.l HIGHER-ORDER PROBLEM (H-O): organization l HOW: I did not reread the essay carefully after I finished writing it. Besides, when I wrote the essay, I did not understand the instructions of the essay carefully, and I misunderstand the meaning of the assignment.
l SOLUTION:I reread the essay and asked the help from ESL tutors. I made several appointments with them and to ask advice from different people. I wrote conclusions and summaries for every body parts of my essay to remind the audience of the argument of my essay, and I also wrote some transition sentences at the beginning of the body paragraphs to make a connection with different parts. Besides, I also read the instructions carefully and took all the pictures as visual based memoirs again.
l IN THE FUTURE: I will focus more on the main topic and argument, and I will pay much more attention to the instructions of the assignment. Besides, I will read TS and to find out if there are some good templates for me to use in the essay. These templates will help me to make the argument more clearly in the future.
l HIGHER-ORDER PROBLEM (H-O): structure
l HOW: When I wrote the essay, since I did not read the instructions clearly, so the argument was not really related to the topic, and then the structure of my essay was not clear because of the previous problems in the arguments.
l SOLUTION: I rewrote the essay and took the photos again after I read the instructions clearly. Besides, I also made appointments with the professor and asked her advice. Then, I wrote the body paragraphs with the structure as branched thesis+general idea+examples. Thus, it would explain the argument more clearly with an organized structure.
l IN THE FUTURE: I will provide enough rubric analysis to avoid confusing the audience when I wrote visual-based essay. Specifically, I would explain the techniques I took the photos and how it is related to the place. I will also focus on the organized structure of the essay to make the audience understand the explanation in a logic way.
l HIGHER-ORDER PROBLEM (H-O): content - how can you make this about you finding your place and what that means, then how can you make it more creative? More compelling?
l HOW: When I wrote the essay, the arguments are not related to the topic which needs us to emphasize the visual-based memoir. My photos are too literal and they only tell the stories superficially. Thus, the content is not so good to be related to the topic and it is not creative and compelling.
l SOLUTION:I rewrote the essay and took the photos again, and the new photos are not literal and they are abstract to meet the instructions of the assignment. Besides, I also rewrite the rubric part in the essay to talk about the photography techniques, which are important part of the essay.
l IN THE FUTURE: I will talk about the idea with my professor before I submit the essay, and I will also ask the tutors to help me understand the topics. Besides, I also need to read related articles to find out how to take abstract photos to make visual-part better.
· LOWER-ORDER PROBLEM: sentence structure
· EX 1 ORIGINAL: ... As one Chinese proverb describes: “A falling leaf will return to its roots at last, and everything will return to its home eventually [translation mine].” Similarly, as one famous saying states in The Wonderful Wizard of Oz: “East, west, home is the best” (Baum 49).
· EX 1 REVISION: As one Chinese proverb describes: “A falling leaf will return to its roots at last, and everything will return to its home eventually [translation mine].” However, although China is my hometown as my original root, perhaps I will not return to my country after I graduate from Emory University in three years.
· HOW: In this example, I tried to make the beginning part of the essay more attractive.
· SOLUTION:I found out that these two citations are not helpful enough to explain my idea, since I did not state the purpose of citing them clearly. So I deleted the second one and explained the first one more fully and described how it related to my essay.
· IN THE FUTURE:I will reread the entire article after I finish writing the essay, and I will try to find out if the structure is logical and if the audience can understand it. I will also make appointments with the tutor to obtain the idea from them. Besides, I will also focus on some templates or words to clarify the structure of the essay such as the transition words.
· EX 2 ORIGINAL: However, I believe it is difficult for immigrants and international students to maintain their affections towards their original place.
· EX 2 REVISION: With the influence of Emory University, I behave less likely as a nerd, and begin to go outside to observe and enjoy the beauty of nature.
· HOW: In this example, I tried to demonstrate the thesis of my essay by explaining the place that immigrants change.
· SOLUTION:I found out that this thesis is not related to the topic and the photos are not creative enough, so after I taking new photos, I also need to change the entire thesis of my article. So instead of talking about immigrants’ culture, I begin to talk about the beauty of nature.
· IN THE FUTURE: I will focus on the topic and thesis of the essay, and if I make a mistake in it, the entire essay will be influenced.
· EX 3 ORIGINAL: All these perspectives on home and place express the idea that people can never forget their hometown no matter how far away they are from their place.
· EX 3 REVISION: After undergoing various experiences and developing a sense of home in America, especially at Emory, I would like to regard this place as my current and future home to stay.
· HOW: In this example, I tried to emphasize the thesis of the essay and make a conclusion.
· SOLUTION: I found that the arguments are not related to the topic which needs us to emphasize the visual-based memoir. My photos are too literal and they only tell the stories superficially. Thus, the content is not so good to be related to the topic and it is not creative and compelling.
· IN THE FUTURE: I will explain the thesis clearly regarding the topic in the instructions without missing the details. I will illustrate the points to summarize the previous parts of the essay and make a transition of the following part.
l LOWER-ORDER PROBLEM: transitions
l EX 1 ORIGINAL: Specifically, when I volunteer at Tzu Chi, a special primary school which only teaches Chinese traditions such as Confucianism and Chinese language courses to students, immigrants’ social problem is more obvious. Furthermore, I also affirm that place can also change an immigrant’s initial mind and reshape his character or lifestyle to make him integrate into the new community.
l EX 1 REVISION: For example, from the first photo which shows the vibrant golden leaves and trees on the rear view mirror, I want to reveal the idea that people need to slow down or they will ignore the beauty of nature.
l HOW:I wanted to demonstrate that I would like to argue these points in the following parts of the essay.
l SOLUTION: I found out that this example could not make a connection with the previous body paragraph and it seemed sudden when I wrote this instance. So I added “for example” as a signal for the audience that the following part was an example to demonstrate the previous idea. Thus, it would fix the problem of structure of transition of the article.
l IN THE FUTURE: I will reread the entire article after I finish writing the essay, and I will try to find out if the structure is logical and if the audience can understand it. I will also make appointments with the tutor to obtain the idea from them. Besides, I will also focus on some templates or words to clarify the structure of the essay such as the transition words.
l EX 2 ORIGINAL: When I heard their statement, I felt so conflicted that I could not imagine whether future generations would also become ABC like those children.
l EX 2 REVISION: Additionally, I also blur the surrounding buildings around the trees to emphasize the color and the sense of autumn in the photo.
l HOW: In this example, I tried to add additional the idea from the previous body paragraph.
l SOLUTION: I found out that this example could not make a connection with the previous body paragraph and it seemed sudden when I wrote this instance. So I added “additionally” as a signal for the audience that the following part was an example to demonstrate the previous idea. Thus, it would fix the problem of structure of transition of the article.
l IN THE FUTURE: I will reread the entire article after I finish writing the essay, and I will try to find out if the structure is logical and if the audience can understand it. I will also make appointments with the tutor to obtain the idea from them. Besides, I will also focus on some templates or words to clarify the structure of the essay such as the transition words.
l EX 3 ORIGINAL: Ironically, even though I believe that it is a tragedy for ABC children to lose their roots, I am working hard to be more like them because I want to integrate into America.
l EX 3 REVISION: Thus, this implication shows the positive attitude towards nature when I take the photo.
l HOW: In this example, I tried to demonstrate the idea from the previous body paragraph.
· SOLUTION: I found out that this example could not make a connection with the previous body paragraph and it seemed sudden when I wrote this instance. So I added “thus” as a signal for the audience that the following part was an example to demonstrate the previous idea. Thus, it would fix the problem of structure of transition of the article.
l IN THE FUTURE: I will illustrate the points to summarize the previous parts of the essay and make a transition of the following part.
l LOWER-ORDER PROBLEM: better word/word precision
l EX 1 ORIGINAL: These so-called “ABC” (American-born Chinese) children are reshaped into “real” American people with American culture and values, apart from their Chinese appearance.
l EX 1 REVISION: The reddish orange hue of the bookmark is similar to the yellowish hue of the open book, and the photo of two colorful trees on the bookmark seems to melt into the background.
l HOW: I wanted to describe the scene that I took in the photo.
l SOLUTION: I used the word “reddish orange” “yellowish” and “melt into” to make it more creative and attractive.
l IN THE FUTURE: I will be more careful when I use the adjective to describe an object.
l EX 2 ORIGINAL: Ironically, even though I believe that it is a tragedy for ABC children to lose their roots, I am working hard to be more like them because I want to integrate into America.
l EX 2 REVISION: Furthermore, in order to emphasize the golden color of trees in the rear view mirror, I also change the relative lightness and darkness of the color.
l HOW: I wanted to describe the scene of the photo that I took for the visual-based memoir.
l SOLUTION: I used the word “golden” instead of “yellow” to describe the color more vividly.
l IN THE FUTURE: I will be more careful about the meaning of the word, and I will look up into the dictionary to make sure I will use it correctly.
l EX 3 ORIGINAL: Although we share the same ancestors and have the same origins according to traditional culture, ABC children have a totally different lifestyle compared to that of children who live in China.
l EX 3 REVISION: I believe that autumn is the most beautiful season at Emory, since colorful trees are like the fire and the gold to make the entire campus vivid.
l HOW: I wanted to explain that place might have influence on immigrants.
l SOLUTION: I used the word “fire” and “gold” to make a metaphor.
l IN THE FUTURE: I will be more careful about the meaning of the word, especially when I want to write the metaphor.
l SOLUTION:I reread the essay and asked the help from ESL tutors. I made several appointments with them and to ask advice from different people. I wrote conclusions and summaries for every body parts of my essay to remind the audience of the argument of my essay, and I also wrote some transition sentences at the beginning of the body paragraphs to make a connection with different parts. Besides, I also read the instructions carefully and took all the pictures as visual based memoirs again.
l IN THE FUTURE: I will focus more on the main topic and argument, and I will pay much more attention to the instructions of the assignment. Besides, I will read TS and to find out if there are some good templates for me to use in the essay. These templates will help me to make the argument more clearly in the future.
l HIGHER-ORDER PROBLEM (H-O): structure
l HOW: When I wrote the essay, since I did not read the instructions clearly, so the argument was not really related to the topic, and then the structure of my essay was not clear because of the previous problems in the arguments.
l SOLUTION: I rewrote the essay and took the photos again after I read the instructions clearly. Besides, I also made appointments with the professor and asked her advice. Then, I wrote the body paragraphs with the structure as branched thesis+general idea+examples. Thus, it would explain the argument more clearly with an organized structure.
l IN THE FUTURE: I will provide enough rubric analysis to avoid confusing the audience when I wrote visual-based essay. Specifically, I would explain the techniques I took the photos and how it is related to the place. I will also focus on the organized structure of the essay to make the audience understand the explanation in a logic way.
l HIGHER-ORDER PROBLEM (H-O): content - how can you make this about you finding your place and what that means, then how can you make it more creative? More compelling?
l HOW: When I wrote the essay, the arguments are not related to the topic which needs us to emphasize the visual-based memoir. My photos are too literal and they only tell the stories superficially. Thus, the content is not so good to be related to the topic and it is not creative and compelling.
l SOLUTION:I rewrote the essay and took the photos again, and the new photos are not literal and they are abstract to meet the instructions of the assignment. Besides, I also rewrite the rubric part in the essay to talk about the photography techniques, which are important part of the essay.
l IN THE FUTURE: I will talk about the idea with my professor before I submit the essay, and I will also ask the tutors to help me understand the topics. Besides, I also need to read related articles to find out how to take abstract photos to make visual-part better.
· LOWER-ORDER PROBLEM: sentence structure
· EX 1 ORIGINAL: ... As one Chinese proverb describes: “A falling leaf will return to its roots at last, and everything will return to its home eventually [translation mine].” Similarly, as one famous saying states in The Wonderful Wizard of Oz: “East, west, home is the best” (Baum 49).
· EX 1 REVISION: As one Chinese proverb describes: “A falling leaf will return to its roots at last, and everything will return to its home eventually [translation mine].” However, although China is my hometown as my original root, perhaps I will not return to my country after I graduate from Emory University in three years.
· HOW: In this example, I tried to make the beginning part of the essay more attractive.
· SOLUTION:I found out that these two citations are not helpful enough to explain my idea, since I did not state the purpose of citing them clearly. So I deleted the second one and explained the first one more fully and described how it related to my essay.
· IN THE FUTURE:I will reread the entire article after I finish writing the essay, and I will try to find out if the structure is logical and if the audience can understand it. I will also make appointments with the tutor to obtain the idea from them. Besides, I will also focus on some templates or words to clarify the structure of the essay such as the transition words.
· EX 2 ORIGINAL: However, I believe it is difficult for immigrants and international students to maintain their affections towards their original place.
· EX 2 REVISION: With the influence of Emory University, I behave less likely as a nerd, and begin to go outside to observe and enjoy the beauty of nature.
· HOW: In this example, I tried to demonstrate the thesis of my essay by explaining the place that immigrants change.
· SOLUTION:I found out that this thesis is not related to the topic and the photos are not creative enough, so after I taking new photos, I also need to change the entire thesis of my article. So instead of talking about immigrants’ culture, I begin to talk about the beauty of nature.
· IN THE FUTURE: I will focus on the topic and thesis of the essay, and if I make a mistake in it, the entire essay will be influenced.
· EX 3 ORIGINAL: All these perspectives on home and place express the idea that people can never forget their hometown no matter how far away they are from their place.
· EX 3 REVISION: After undergoing various experiences and developing a sense of home in America, especially at Emory, I would like to regard this place as my current and future home to stay.
· HOW: In this example, I tried to emphasize the thesis of the essay and make a conclusion.
· SOLUTION: I found that the arguments are not related to the topic which needs us to emphasize the visual-based memoir. My photos are too literal and they only tell the stories superficially. Thus, the content is not so good to be related to the topic and it is not creative and compelling.
· IN THE FUTURE: I will explain the thesis clearly regarding the topic in the instructions without missing the details. I will illustrate the points to summarize the previous parts of the essay and make a transition of the following part.
l LOWER-ORDER PROBLEM: transitions
l EX 1 ORIGINAL: Specifically, when I volunteer at Tzu Chi, a special primary school which only teaches Chinese traditions such as Confucianism and Chinese language courses to students, immigrants’ social problem is more obvious. Furthermore, I also affirm that place can also change an immigrant’s initial mind and reshape his character or lifestyle to make him integrate into the new community.
l EX 1 REVISION: For example, from the first photo which shows the vibrant golden leaves and trees on the rear view mirror, I want to reveal the idea that people need to slow down or they will ignore the beauty of nature.
l HOW:I wanted to demonstrate that I would like to argue these points in the following parts of the essay.
l SOLUTION: I found out that this example could not make a connection with the previous body paragraph and it seemed sudden when I wrote this instance. So I added “for example” as a signal for the audience that the following part was an example to demonstrate the previous idea. Thus, it would fix the problem of structure of transition of the article.
l IN THE FUTURE: I will reread the entire article after I finish writing the essay, and I will try to find out if the structure is logical and if the audience can understand it. I will also make appointments with the tutor to obtain the idea from them. Besides, I will also focus on some templates or words to clarify the structure of the essay such as the transition words.
l EX 2 ORIGINAL: When I heard their statement, I felt so conflicted that I could not imagine whether future generations would also become ABC like those children.
l EX 2 REVISION: Additionally, I also blur the surrounding buildings around the trees to emphasize the color and the sense of autumn in the photo.
l HOW: In this example, I tried to add additional the idea from the previous body paragraph.
l SOLUTION: I found out that this example could not make a connection with the previous body paragraph and it seemed sudden when I wrote this instance. So I added “additionally” as a signal for the audience that the following part was an example to demonstrate the previous idea. Thus, it would fix the problem of structure of transition of the article.
l IN THE FUTURE: I will reread the entire article after I finish writing the essay, and I will try to find out if the structure is logical and if the audience can understand it. I will also make appointments with the tutor to obtain the idea from them. Besides, I will also focus on some templates or words to clarify the structure of the essay such as the transition words.
l EX 3 ORIGINAL: Ironically, even though I believe that it is a tragedy for ABC children to lose their roots, I am working hard to be more like them because I want to integrate into America.
l EX 3 REVISION: Thus, this implication shows the positive attitude towards nature when I take the photo.
l HOW: In this example, I tried to demonstrate the idea from the previous body paragraph.
· SOLUTION: I found out that this example could not make a connection with the previous body paragraph and it seemed sudden when I wrote this instance. So I added “thus” as a signal for the audience that the following part was an example to demonstrate the previous idea. Thus, it would fix the problem of structure of transition of the article.
l IN THE FUTURE: I will illustrate the points to summarize the previous parts of the essay and make a transition of the following part.
l LOWER-ORDER PROBLEM: better word/word precision
l EX 1 ORIGINAL: These so-called “ABC” (American-born Chinese) children are reshaped into “real” American people with American culture and values, apart from their Chinese appearance.
l EX 1 REVISION: The reddish orange hue of the bookmark is similar to the yellowish hue of the open book, and the photo of two colorful trees on the bookmark seems to melt into the background.
l HOW: I wanted to describe the scene that I took in the photo.
l SOLUTION: I used the word “reddish orange” “yellowish” and “melt into” to make it more creative and attractive.
l IN THE FUTURE: I will be more careful when I use the adjective to describe an object.
l EX 2 ORIGINAL: Ironically, even though I believe that it is a tragedy for ABC children to lose their roots, I am working hard to be more like them because I want to integrate into America.
l EX 2 REVISION: Furthermore, in order to emphasize the golden color of trees in the rear view mirror, I also change the relative lightness and darkness of the color.
l HOW: I wanted to describe the scene of the photo that I took for the visual-based memoir.
l SOLUTION: I used the word “golden” instead of “yellow” to describe the color more vividly.
l IN THE FUTURE: I will be more careful about the meaning of the word, and I will look up into the dictionary to make sure I will use it correctly.
l EX 3 ORIGINAL: Although we share the same ancestors and have the same origins according to traditional culture, ABC children have a totally different lifestyle compared to that of children who live in China.
l EX 3 REVISION: I believe that autumn is the most beautiful season at Emory, since colorful trees are like the fire and the gold to make the entire campus vivid.
l HOW: I wanted to explain that place might have influence on immigrants.
l SOLUTION: I used the word “fire” and “gold” to make a metaphor.
l IN THE FUTURE: I will be more careful about the meaning of the word, especially when I want to write the metaphor.