You have a really compelling story! Consider the following to really take it to the next level:
HOCs:
1) stance + perspective
2) Tone
3) organization
LOCs:
1) language (is it language that separates readers from the experience or draws them in?)
2) sentence structure
3) sentence variety
l HIGHER-ORDER PROBLEM (H-O): stance + perspective
l HOW: I used too many quotation when I wrote the persuasive essay without
paraphrasing these stances. It makes the audience difficult to find out the perspective
for each paragraph.
l SOLUTION:I reread the essay and asked the help from ESL tutors. I made several
appointments with them and to ask advice from different people. Instead of citing all
the stances I wrote in the memoir, I paraphrased many of them to make the
paragraph more clear and concise. Thus, it will explain the perspective of each
paragraph more clearly.
l IN THE FUTURE: I will focus more on the citation, and I will pay much more attention to
the branch perspective of every body paragraph. Besides, I will read TS and to find
out if there are some good templates for me to use in the essay. These templates will
help me to make the stances and perspectives more clear in the future.
l HIGHER-ORDER PROBLEM (H-O): Tone
l HOW: When I wrote the essay, I did not differentiate the tones from memoir and the
persuasive essay.
l SOLUTION: I changed the words and sentences in the memoir a little bit, because
some of the words and sentences are too formal, and they are not appropriate to use
in the persuasive essay.Besides, some words and sentences in the persuasive essay
are too informal, and the tone of the persuasive esasy should be academic. From this
change, I revised the tone of both memoir and persuasive essay.
l IN THE FUTURE: I will pay more attention to different tones of different types of
assignments to avoid writing in inappropriate words and sentences. Specifically, when
I write the memoir, the language should be less formal and more spoken language,
When I write the persuasive essay, the language should be more formal and academic
to have a distinction from the memoir.
l HIGHER-ORDER PROBLEM (H-O): organization
l HOW: When I wrote the persuasive essay, I added some unrelated contents. This
paragraph makes the essay become unclear and disorganized.
l SOLUTION:I changed the structure and sentences of the body parts and made it have
a clear thought to follow. I pointed out that I explained how the United States has
reshaped me, and then I illustrated this idea in three parts. I deleted the paragraph
which previously explained how people change space into place, because I believed
this part is not related to the topic of this essay.
l IN THE FUTURE: I will focus the logic sequence of my idea, and I will avoid confusing
the audience and distracting the audience by deleting unrelated contents. I will read TS
to find out if there are some good templates for me to learn for the organization.
· LOWER-ORDER PROBLEM: language (is it language that separates readers from the
experience or draws them in?)
· EX 1 ORIGINAL: However, after I underwent a lot of experiences in America, such as
volunteering in a primary school, I began to change my characteristics. For example, “...
when I got lost, instead of calling my parents and crying, I would use a GPS to find my
way by myself or ask people to point out the direction for me. When it was rainy, I
would check the weather report in advance and remind myself to bring an umbrella.
When I got a low grade and had difficulty in my life, I shared my worry and sorrow
with my friends.” (Ding 3)
· EX 1 REVISION: For example, I began to prepare for everything by myself, and I also
began to comfort myself when I faced the challenges. Instead of complaining about
other people, I began to figure out the solutions to solve the problems.
· HOW: In this example, I tried to demonstrate the idea that I was changed by the
influence of the United States.
· SOLUTION:I found out that this example is too long and it seems not concise enough
to make the language unclear when I wrote this instance. So I paraphrased the
examples to describe it in a more concise way for the audience. Thus, without being
distracted by too many examples from the memoir, the audience will have a clearer
understanding of the perspective. By paraphrasing the example, it would fix the
problem of structure of transition of the article.
· IN THE FUTURE:I will reread the entire article after I finish writing the essay, and I will
try to find out if the language is concise and related and if the audience can
understand it. I will also make appointments with the tutor to obtain the idea from the
m.
· EX 2 ORIGINAL: Furthermore, when I called my parents in the past, “I did not notice
the time differences between China and America, and I was not concern with whether
my parents had to work in the early morning, and I did not consider whether I hurt
their feelings when they heard complaints from me.”
· EX 2 REVISION: Instead of complaining about other people, I began to figure out the
solutions to solve the problems. From these behaviors that I describe in the memoir,
they reveal that I have become more independent and strong.
· SOLUTION:I found out that the sentence was too complicated and cited too many
contents from the memoir. I paraphrased the citations to this example to illustrate the
main idea that I behaved childishly before I was influenced by the United States. Thus,
it would make this language more clear to the overall structure.
· IN THE FUTURE: I will focus on the balance between citation and essay. I will try to
avoid citing too many examples from the sources. I will summarize the examples and
make the idea become clearer between for the audience.
· EX 3 ORIGINAL:Life in America has changed me so much within just one year. I still
remember when I attended Emory orientation on the first day, I called my parents and
almost cried the whole night.
· EX 3 REVISION:On the first day of the Emory orientation, I called my parents and
almost cried the whole night.
· HOW: In this example, I tried to emphasize the behaviors before I was influenced by
the United States were childish.
· SOLUTION: I found out that this sentence did not use the appropriate language.
Instead of being a part of the memoir, it seemed more like the part of the persuasive
essay. So I changed the language to make it more like a short story without indicating
the event explicitly.
· IN THE FUTURE: I will explain the contents in the memoir in a more implicit language
to make the audience understand it by themselves. Instead of telling a story, I will
show the audience a story. In the persuasive essay, I will illustrate the idea more
explicitly.
l LOWER-ORDER PROBLEM: sentence structure
l EX 1 ORIGINAL:In that situation, I believed that I needed to go outside of my limited
and small place and integrate with other people.
l EX 1 REVISION:These words were the best things I had ever heard after I went to
America. When I felt that I was abandoned by the whole world, I found out some
people who would like to accompany me. Perhaps from that time, I began to like
America and regarded it as my place. In that situation, I believed that I needed to go
outside of my limited and small place and integrate with other people.
l HOW:I wanted to demonstrate that this was the turning point of my life that I began to
regard America as my place and I was then influenced by it.
l SOLUTION: I added the new contents in order to make it more logic.
l IN THE FUTURE: I will reread the essay and to find out if sentence structure is logic
enough to make the audience understand the idea. When I will explain the views in the
following parts, I should notice to make a transition.
l EX 2 ORIGINAL:As an international student who has been studying in the United
States for almost one year, I have also been affected by the culture and traditions of
this new place.
l EX 2 REVISION:I have also been affected by the culture and traditions of a new place
— the United States — where I have been studying for almost one year.
l HOW:I wanted to start the new paragraph and notify the audience that I will begin to
talk about the argument and thesis of this essay.
l SOLUTION: I changed the structure sequence and word sequence in order to
emphasize the center of this sentence is the United States.
l IN THE FUTURE:I will be more careful about the sentence sequence, especially when I
wanted to emphasize the center of this sentence.
l EX 3 ORIGINAL:The United States has changed my initial mindset and reshaped my
characteristics, lifestyle and pursuits. As my memoir mentions, I will argue that my
characteristics have changed.
l EX 3 REVISION:As my memoir mentions, I will argue that my characteristics have
changed, because now I have become more independent and considerate through
comparing the childish behaviors of when I arrived at Emory University at first and
those mature behaviors that I display after one year campus life.
l HOW: I wanted to explain the overall argument of this essay and then analyzed it in
separate parts.
l SOLUTION: I combined two sentences into one sentences, because otherwise it will
confuse the audience that I repeat the argument again.
l IN THE FUTURE:I will focus more the details of sentence sequence and structure.
l LOWER-ORDER PROBLEM: sentence variety
l EX 1 ORIGINAL:As an international student who has been studying in the United States for almost one year, I have also been affected by the culture and traditions of this new place.
l EX 1 REVISION:I have also been affected by the culture and traditions of a new place — the United States — where I have been studying for almost one year.
l HOW: I wanted to start the new paragraph and notify the readers that I will focus on my personal experiences based on the topic.
l SOLUTION: I changed the sentence to emphasize the United States.
l IN THE FUTURE: I will be more careful when I write the sentence to avoid I using the
repetitive structure..Since I will emphasize something in the sentence, it is better to use
some special symbols.
l EX 2 ORIGINAL:All I focused on was how unsatisfied I felt towards the new college,
how strange I felt towards the new community, and how lonely I felt when I found I
had a serious language obstacle of communicating with other American students.
l EX 2 REVISION: I felt that I could not find a shelter to hide myself, and I really wanted
to flight back to home and gave up the chance of attending college.
l HOW: I wanted to explain that I felt despairing and sorrow when I arrived at Emory at
first.
l SOLUTION: I changed several sentences into one phrase “could not find a shelter to
hide myself”.
l IN THE FUTURE: I will be more careful about the variety of the sentence and try to
make the sentences more concise.
l EX 3 ORIGINAL: I did not consider whether I hurt their feelings when they heard
complaints from me
l EX 3 REVISION: My mother seemed to be hurt by my words, and she cried after I
shouted at them.
l HOW: I wanted to explain that my childish behavior hurt my parents.
l SOLUTION: I changed the sentences which referred to the guess into the descriptive
sentences to show the feelings of my parents.
l IN THE FUTURE: I will be more careful about the ways to express the sentences
variously.
Citation:
Editorial Revision. 2011. Web. 30 Nov. 2011. <http://annawrites.com/blog/tag/editorial-revision/>.
HOCs:
1) stance + perspective
2) Tone
3) organization
LOCs:
1) language (is it language that separates readers from the experience or draws them in?)
2) sentence structure
3) sentence variety
l HIGHER-ORDER PROBLEM (H-O): stance + perspective
l HOW: I used too many quotation when I wrote the persuasive essay without
paraphrasing these stances. It makes the audience difficult to find out the perspective
for each paragraph.
l SOLUTION:I reread the essay and asked the help from ESL tutors. I made several
appointments with them and to ask advice from different people. Instead of citing all
the stances I wrote in the memoir, I paraphrased many of them to make the
paragraph more clear and concise. Thus, it will explain the perspective of each
paragraph more clearly.
l IN THE FUTURE: I will focus more on the citation, and I will pay much more attention to
the branch perspective of every body paragraph. Besides, I will read TS and to find
out if there are some good templates for me to use in the essay. These templates will
help me to make the stances and perspectives more clear in the future.
l HIGHER-ORDER PROBLEM (H-O): Tone
l HOW: When I wrote the essay, I did not differentiate the tones from memoir and the
persuasive essay.
l SOLUTION: I changed the words and sentences in the memoir a little bit, because
some of the words and sentences are too formal, and they are not appropriate to use
in the persuasive essay.Besides, some words and sentences in the persuasive essay
are too informal, and the tone of the persuasive esasy should be academic. From this
change, I revised the tone of both memoir and persuasive essay.
l IN THE FUTURE: I will pay more attention to different tones of different types of
assignments to avoid writing in inappropriate words and sentences. Specifically, when
I write the memoir, the language should be less formal and more spoken language,
When I write the persuasive essay, the language should be more formal and academic
to have a distinction from the memoir.
l HIGHER-ORDER PROBLEM (H-O): organization
l HOW: When I wrote the persuasive essay, I added some unrelated contents. This
paragraph makes the essay become unclear and disorganized.
l SOLUTION:I changed the structure and sentences of the body parts and made it have
a clear thought to follow. I pointed out that I explained how the United States has
reshaped me, and then I illustrated this idea in three parts. I deleted the paragraph
which previously explained how people change space into place, because I believed
this part is not related to the topic of this essay.
l IN THE FUTURE: I will focus the logic sequence of my idea, and I will avoid confusing
the audience and distracting the audience by deleting unrelated contents. I will read TS
to find out if there are some good templates for me to learn for the organization.
· LOWER-ORDER PROBLEM: language (is it language that separates readers from the
experience or draws them in?)
· EX 1 ORIGINAL: However, after I underwent a lot of experiences in America, such as
volunteering in a primary school, I began to change my characteristics. For example, “...
when I got lost, instead of calling my parents and crying, I would use a GPS to find my
way by myself or ask people to point out the direction for me. When it was rainy, I
would check the weather report in advance and remind myself to bring an umbrella.
When I got a low grade and had difficulty in my life, I shared my worry and sorrow
with my friends.” (Ding 3)
· EX 1 REVISION: For example, I began to prepare for everything by myself, and I also
began to comfort myself when I faced the challenges. Instead of complaining about
other people, I began to figure out the solutions to solve the problems.
· HOW: In this example, I tried to demonstrate the idea that I was changed by the
influence of the United States.
· SOLUTION:I found out that this example is too long and it seems not concise enough
to make the language unclear when I wrote this instance. So I paraphrased the
examples to describe it in a more concise way for the audience. Thus, without being
distracted by too many examples from the memoir, the audience will have a clearer
understanding of the perspective. By paraphrasing the example, it would fix the
problem of structure of transition of the article.
· IN THE FUTURE:I will reread the entire article after I finish writing the essay, and I will
try to find out if the language is concise and related and if the audience can
understand it. I will also make appointments with the tutor to obtain the idea from the
m.
· EX 2 ORIGINAL: Furthermore, when I called my parents in the past, “I did not notice
the time differences between China and America, and I was not concern with whether
my parents had to work in the early morning, and I did not consider whether I hurt
their feelings when they heard complaints from me.”
· EX 2 REVISION: Instead of complaining about other people, I began to figure out the
solutions to solve the problems. From these behaviors that I describe in the memoir,
they reveal that I have become more independent and strong.
· SOLUTION:I found out that the sentence was too complicated and cited too many
contents from the memoir. I paraphrased the citations to this example to illustrate the
main idea that I behaved childishly before I was influenced by the United States. Thus,
it would make this language more clear to the overall structure.
· IN THE FUTURE: I will focus on the balance between citation and essay. I will try to
avoid citing too many examples from the sources. I will summarize the examples and
make the idea become clearer between for the audience.
· EX 3 ORIGINAL:Life in America has changed me so much within just one year. I still
remember when I attended Emory orientation on the first day, I called my parents and
almost cried the whole night.
· EX 3 REVISION:On the first day of the Emory orientation, I called my parents and
almost cried the whole night.
· HOW: In this example, I tried to emphasize the behaviors before I was influenced by
the United States were childish.
· SOLUTION: I found out that this sentence did not use the appropriate language.
Instead of being a part of the memoir, it seemed more like the part of the persuasive
essay. So I changed the language to make it more like a short story without indicating
the event explicitly.
· IN THE FUTURE: I will explain the contents in the memoir in a more implicit language
to make the audience understand it by themselves. Instead of telling a story, I will
show the audience a story. In the persuasive essay, I will illustrate the idea more
explicitly.
l LOWER-ORDER PROBLEM: sentence structure
l EX 1 ORIGINAL:In that situation, I believed that I needed to go outside of my limited
and small place and integrate with other people.
l EX 1 REVISION:These words were the best things I had ever heard after I went to
America. When I felt that I was abandoned by the whole world, I found out some
people who would like to accompany me. Perhaps from that time, I began to like
America and regarded it as my place. In that situation, I believed that I needed to go
outside of my limited and small place and integrate with other people.
l HOW:I wanted to demonstrate that this was the turning point of my life that I began to
regard America as my place and I was then influenced by it.
l SOLUTION: I added the new contents in order to make it more logic.
l IN THE FUTURE: I will reread the essay and to find out if sentence structure is logic
enough to make the audience understand the idea. When I will explain the views in the
following parts, I should notice to make a transition.
l EX 2 ORIGINAL:As an international student who has been studying in the United
States for almost one year, I have also been affected by the culture and traditions of
this new place.
l EX 2 REVISION:I have also been affected by the culture and traditions of a new place
— the United States — where I have been studying for almost one year.
l HOW:I wanted to start the new paragraph and notify the audience that I will begin to
talk about the argument and thesis of this essay.
l SOLUTION: I changed the structure sequence and word sequence in order to
emphasize the center of this sentence is the United States.
l IN THE FUTURE:I will be more careful about the sentence sequence, especially when I
wanted to emphasize the center of this sentence.
l EX 3 ORIGINAL:The United States has changed my initial mindset and reshaped my
characteristics, lifestyle and pursuits. As my memoir mentions, I will argue that my
characteristics have changed.
l EX 3 REVISION:As my memoir mentions, I will argue that my characteristics have
changed, because now I have become more independent and considerate through
comparing the childish behaviors of when I arrived at Emory University at first and
those mature behaviors that I display after one year campus life.
l HOW: I wanted to explain the overall argument of this essay and then analyzed it in
separate parts.
l SOLUTION: I combined two sentences into one sentences, because otherwise it will
confuse the audience that I repeat the argument again.
l IN THE FUTURE:I will focus more the details of sentence sequence and structure.
l LOWER-ORDER PROBLEM: sentence variety
l EX 1 ORIGINAL:As an international student who has been studying in the United States for almost one year, I have also been affected by the culture and traditions of this new place.
l EX 1 REVISION:I have also been affected by the culture and traditions of a new place — the United States — where I have been studying for almost one year.
l HOW: I wanted to start the new paragraph and notify the readers that I will focus on my personal experiences based on the topic.
l SOLUTION: I changed the sentence to emphasize the United States.
l IN THE FUTURE: I will be more careful when I write the sentence to avoid I using the
repetitive structure..Since I will emphasize something in the sentence, it is better to use
some special symbols.
l EX 2 ORIGINAL:All I focused on was how unsatisfied I felt towards the new college,
how strange I felt towards the new community, and how lonely I felt when I found I
had a serious language obstacle of communicating with other American students.
l EX 2 REVISION: I felt that I could not find a shelter to hide myself, and I really wanted
to flight back to home and gave up the chance of attending college.
l HOW: I wanted to explain that I felt despairing and sorrow when I arrived at Emory at
first.
l SOLUTION: I changed several sentences into one phrase “could not find a shelter to
hide myself”.
l IN THE FUTURE: I will be more careful about the variety of the sentence and try to
make the sentences more concise.
l EX 3 ORIGINAL: I did not consider whether I hurt their feelings when they heard
complaints from me
l EX 3 REVISION: My mother seemed to be hurt by my words, and she cried after I
shouted at them.
l HOW: I wanted to explain that my childish behavior hurt my parents.
l SOLUTION: I changed the sentences which referred to the guess into the descriptive
sentences to show the feelings of my parents.
l IN THE FUTURE: I will be more careful about the ways to express the sentences
variously.
Citation:
Editorial Revision. 2011. Web. 30 Nov. 2011. <http://annawrites.com/blog/tag/editorial-revision/>.