Summative Comments: You do not shy away from engaging complicated ideas in a
way that embraces their complicated nature rather than tries to reduce or simplify
them. You do an impressive job of negotiating your engagement with different
scholars and different scholars and different points of view. Great job there!
How I achieved them: Actually, as for the complicated argument for the formal essay, I
considered about if I should simplify or reduce it to a more direct argument. However,
after I talked with professor Lauren and teacher in the writing workshops, both of
them were impressed with my argument, and they encouraged me to insist on the
initial thought of the essay. Specifically, after I talked about my essay with the teacher
in the workshop for three times, he showed strong interest to my argument. I believed
that if my argument could attract people, it would be more successful for me to write it
instead of simplifying it.Thus, I would like to obtain different advice from teachers and
professors to figure out the argument before I wrote the formal essay, and I believed
it would save much more time if I explored the argument and topic of the essay clearly
in advance.
For negotiating different points of views, I was so proud that I could achieve it. The
first step was to read the articles really carefully. Even though we had already
discussed the articles in class, before I wrote the essay and even though when I wrote
the essay, I still kept reading it for several times to make sure that I understood it
clearly. In order to make the essay more impressive, I tried to figure out the new idea
based on views of scholars, and I managed to compare my own idea with their ideas.
It seemed that I made it successful.
l HIGHER-ORDER PROBLEM (H-O): sign posting or reminding your audience of your
argument like they describe in TS
l HOW: I did not reread the essay carefully after I finished writing it. Besides, when I
wrote the essay, I would like to improve the meaning of the entire essay to a higher
level, so I tried to raise some problems for the audience to consider about. However,
these problems were not relevant to the argument a lot, so it would make the
audience confused and forgot the argument.
l SOLUTION:I reread the essay and asked the help from ESL tutors. I made several
appointments with them and to ask advice from different people. I wrote conclusions
and summaries for every body parts of my essay to remind the audience of the
argument of my essay, and I also wrote some transition sentences at the beginning of
the body paragraphs to make a connection with different parts. Thus, when the
audience read through the entire article, the argument would be much more clear since
they were repeated in every part of the essay.
l IN THE FUTURE: I will focus more on the main topic and argument, and I will pay much
more attention to the branch argument of every body paragraph. Besides, I will read
TS and to find out if there are some good templates for me to use in the essay. These
templates will help me to make the argument more clear in the future.
l HIGHER-ORDER PROBLEM (H-O): explain all of your ideas as fully as your best
explained ideas (as noted in the essay)
l HOW: When I wrote the essay, since the argument was complicated and I needed to
write a lot of words to demonstrate it clearly, I reduced some words and sentences in
order to control the word numbers. Thus, it caused the problem that sometimes I did
not explain it clearly.
l SOLUTION: I changed the structure of the essay a little bit, and I wrote the body
paragraphs with the structure as branched thesis+general idea+examples+branched
conclusion. Thus, it would explain the argument more clearly with an organized
structure. Besides, I also added some context. Since the audience did not read all the
readings I used in the essay, it would help them to understand the argument if I
explained the idea of the reading a little bit.
l IN THE FUTURE: I will provide enough context to avoid confusing the audience.
Specifically, when I cited some idea from the reading I searched by myself, I will
explain the author’s idea and the reason the author pointed out the views. I will also
focus on the organized structure of the essay to make the audience understand the
explanation in a logic way.
l HIGHER-ORDER PROBLEM (H-O): try to make your conclusion as dynamic
as your best body paragraphs
l HOW: When I wrote the conclusion, I would like to improve the meaning to a higher
level by raising the social problem for the audience to think of after they read the
essay. However, this idea caused the conclusion was not relevant to the main topic of
the essay, and the structure was not clear in the conclusion part.
l SOLUTION:I changed the structure and sentences of the conclusion part and made it
have a clear thought to follow. I pointed out that I explained the complicated
relationship between place and immigrants again to remind audience of the argument,
and wrote the summary of all the ideas appearing in the article to make a conclusion.
l IN THE FUTURE: I will focus the summary and conclusion of my idea, and I will avoid
confusing the audience and distracting the audience at the end of the essay. I will read
TS to find out if there are some good templates for me to learn for the conclusion part.
· LOWER-ORDER PROBLEM: occasional sentence structure problems
· EX 1 ORIGINAL: ...Jhumpa Lahari, the author of “Rhode Island”, demonstrates this
general idea that experiences and emotions are influential for immigrants to evoke
their sense of place.
· EX 1 REVISION: For example, Jhumpa Lahari, the author of “Rhode Island”,
demonstrates this general idea that experiences and emotions help immigrants evoke
their sense of place
· HOW: In this example, I tried to demonstrate the idea from the previous body
paragraph.
· SOLUTION:I found out that this example could not make a connection with the
previous body paragraph and it seemed sudden when I wrote this instance. So I added
“for example” as a signal for the audience that the following part was an example to
demonstrate the previous idea. Thus, it would fix the problem of structure of transition
of the article.
· IN THE FUTURE:I will reread the entire article after I finish writing the essay, and I will
try to find out if the structure is logical and if the audience can understand it. I will also
make appointments with the tutor to obtain the idea from them. Besides, I will also
focus on some templates or words to clarify the structure of the essay such as the
transition words.
· EX 2 ORIGINAL: However, it is just difficult to replace China with the United States.
· EX 2 REVISION: However, it is simply difficult to replace China with the United States
because I have already developed a sense of place through other important elements
such as traditions, national pride or family members.
· HOW: In this example, I tried to demonstrate that I could not change the United
States as my place, and I still believed that China was my place.
· SOLUTION:I found out that the sentence was too simple to clarify the idea. I added
more explanation to this example to illustrate the reason that I could not regard the
United States as my place. Thus, it would make this example more relevant to the
overall structure.
·IN THE FUTURE: I will focus on the branched conclusion of each body graph. I will try
to avoid ignoring the important explanation of each branched conclusion. I will
summarize the previous idea and make the conclusion become the connection
between the previous body paragraph and next body paragraph.
· EX 3 ORIGINAL:Thus, place can change immigrants’ lifestyles and characters, and this
change will also produce an obstacle for immigrants to keep a balance.
· EX 3 REVISION:Thus, place can change immigrants’ lifestyles and characteristics, and
this change will also produce an obstacle for immigrants to keep a balance between
traditions and new changes.
· HOW: In this example, I tried to emphasize the branched argument that place can
also influence people.
· SOLUTION: I found out that this sentence did not explain the idea clearly. Since it
was the last sentence for the previous body paragraph, I should summarize the idea
more clearly and provide the details to clarify it. I added the details to explain what the
immigrants should keep a balance exactly.
· IN THE FUTURE: I will explain the branched conclusion clearly without missing the
details. I will illustrate the points to summarize the previous parts of the essay and
make a transition of the following part.
l LOWER-ORDER PROBLEM: occasional verb tense problems
l EX 1 ORIGINAL: Thus, from reading various articles, I have argued that immigrants can
develop their own sense of place through their personal experiences and emotions in
the local communities. However, I also claim that although experiences and emotions
towards one community are crucial elements to change space into place for immigrants
, they are not decisive factors compared to other more important aspects such as
traditions, spirits or family members. Furthermore, I also affirm that place can also
change an immigrant’s initial mind and reshape his character or lifestyle to make him
integrate into the new community.
l EX 1 REVISION:Thus, from reading various articles, I will argue that immigrants can
develop their own sense of place through their personal experiences and emotions in
their local communities. However, I will also claim that although experiences and
emotions towards one’s community are crucial elements to change space into place for
immigrants, sometimes they are not decisive factors because some people develop a
sense of place through other important elements such as traditions, national pride or
family members. Furthermore, I will also affirm that place can also change an
immigrant’s initial mindset and reshape his or her character or lifestyle to make him or
her integrate into the new community.
l HOW:I wanted to demonstrate that I would like to argue these points in the following
parts of the essay.
l SOLUTION: I changed the verb tense from present perfect tense to future tense.
l IN THE FUTURE: I will reread the essay and to find out if the verb tense is correct
depending on the context.When I will explain the views in the following parts, I should
use future tense instead of present perfect tense, since I have not explained it yet.
l EX 2 ORIGINAL:Lahari believes that among all of the spaces that she stayed or lived,
Rhode Island, where she spent her childhood, is her place.
l EX 2 REVISION:Lahari believed that among all of the spaces that she stayed or lived,
Rhode Island, where she spent her childhood, was her place.
l HOW:I wanted to use the example of Lahari to demonstrate that experiences and
emotions can make people change a space into a place.
l SOLUTION: I changed the verb tense from present tense to the past tense.
l IN THE FUTURE:I will be more careful about the verb tense, especially when I describe
the event happened in the past.
l EX 3 ORIGINAL:However, these experiences are not powerful enough to change my
mind.
l EX 3 REVISION:However, these experiences were not powerful enough to change my
mind.
l HOW: I wanted to explain that these experiences at Emory could not make me change
a space into a place.
l SOLUTION: I changed the verb form from present tense to the past tense.
l IN THE FUTURE:I will focus more the details of verb tense. If I will describe the thing
happened in the past, I should write it in the past tense.
l LOWER-ORDER PROBLEM: occasional verb form problems
l EX 1 ORIGINAL:I agree with both Patricia L. Price and Yi- fu Tuan’s perspectives
that experiences and emotions are essential to change space into place.
l EX 1 REVISION:I agree with both Patricia L. Price and Yi-fu Tuan’s perspectives
that experiences and emotions are essential in order to change space into place.
l HOW: I wanted to explain the views of Price and Tuan,and to demonstrate that both
of them believed experiences and emotions could change space into place.
l SOLUTION: I changed “to” into “in order to”
l IN THE FUTURE: I will be more careful when I use the adjective to describe an intention
or a movement.Since I will explain an intention, it is better to use “in order to” to
interpret this idea.
l EX 2 ORIGINAL:Even though she did not admit it, I believed that she did not regard
China as her home any more.
l EX 2 REVISION: Even though she did not admit it, her actions suggested that she did
not regard China as her home anymore.
l HOW: I wanted to explain that the Chinese American in the example had already
changed the United States from a space to a place.
l SOLUTION: I changed “believed” to “her actions suggested”
l IN THE FUTURE: I will be more careful about the meaning of the verb, and I will look up
into the dictionary to make sure I will use it correctly.
l EX 3 ORIGINAL:However, when immigrants stay in one space as long as they can or
they even choose to live there permanently, they will be reshaped by the local
community.
l EX 3 REVISION:However, when immigrants stay in one space as long as they can or
they even choose to live there permanently, they might be reshaped by the local
community.
l HOW: I wanted to explain that place might have influence on immigrants.
l SOLUTION: I changed “will be” into “might be”
l IN THE FUTURE: I will be more careful about the meaning of the verb, especially when I
want to explain something has a probability to happen, I should avoid writing it in a
definite way.
way that embraces their complicated nature rather than tries to reduce or simplify
them. You do an impressive job of negotiating your engagement with different
scholars and different scholars and different points of view. Great job there!
How I achieved them: Actually, as for the complicated argument for the formal essay, I
considered about if I should simplify or reduce it to a more direct argument. However,
after I talked with professor Lauren and teacher in the writing workshops, both of
them were impressed with my argument, and they encouraged me to insist on the
initial thought of the essay. Specifically, after I talked about my essay with the teacher
in the workshop for three times, he showed strong interest to my argument. I believed
that if my argument could attract people, it would be more successful for me to write it
instead of simplifying it.Thus, I would like to obtain different advice from teachers and
professors to figure out the argument before I wrote the formal essay, and I believed
it would save much more time if I explored the argument and topic of the essay clearly
in advance.
For negotiating different points of views, I was so proud that I could achieve it. The
first step was to read the articles really carefully. Even though we had already
discussed the articles in class, before I wrote the essay and even though when I wrote
the essay, I still kept reading it for several times to make sure that I understood it
clearly. In order to make the essay more impressive, I tried to figure out the new idea
based on views of scholars, and I managed to compare my own idea with their ideas.
It seemed that I made it successful.
l HIGHER-ORDER PROBLEM (H-O): sign posting or reminding your audience of your
argument like they describe in TS
l HOW: I did not reread the essay carefully after I finished writing it. Besides, when I
wrote the essay, I would like to improve the meaning of the entire essay to a higher
level, so I tried to raise some problems for the audience to consider about. However,
these problems were not relevant to the argument a lot, so it would make the
audience confused and forgot the argument.
l SOLUTION:I reread the essay and asked the help from ESL tutors. I made several
appointments with them and to ask advice from different people. I wrote conclusions
and summaries for every body parts of my essay to remind the audience of the
argument of my essay, and I also wrote some transition sentences at the beginning of
the body paragraphs to make a connection with different parts. Thus, when the
audience read through the entire article, the argument would be much more clear since
they were repeated in every part of the essay.
l IN THE FUTURE: I will focus more on the main topic and argument, and I will pay much
more attention to the branch argument of every body paragraph. Besides, I will read
TS and to find out if there are some good templates for me to use in the essay. These
templates will help me to make the argument more clear in the future.
l HIGHER-ORDER PROBLEM (H-O): explain all of your ideas as fully as your best
explained ideas (as noted in the essay)
l HOW: When I wrote the essay, since the argument was complicated and I needed to
write a lot of words to demonstrate it clearly, I reduced some words and sentences in
order to control the word numbers. Thus, it caused the problem that sometimes I did
not explain it clearly.
l SOLUTION: I changed the structure of the essay a little bit, and I wrote the body
paragraphs with the structure as branched thesis+general idea+examples+branched
conclusion. Thus, it would explain the argument more clearly with an organized
structure. Besides, I also added some context. Since the audience did not read all the
readings I used in the essay, it would help them to understand the argument if I
explained the idea of the reading a little bit.
l IN THE FUTURE: I will provide enough context to avoid confusing the audience.
Specifically, when I cited some idea from the reading I searched by myself, I will
explain the author’s idea and the reason the author pointed out the views. I will also
focus on the organized structure of the essay to make the audience understand the
explanation in a logic way.
l HIGHER-ORDER PROBLEM (H-O): try to make your conclusion as dynamic
as your best body paragraphs
l HOW: When I wrote the conclusion, I would like to improve the meaning to a higher
level by raising the social problem for the audience to think of after they read the
essay. However, this idea caused the conclusion was not relevant to the main topic of
the essay, and the structure was not clear in the conclusion part.
l SOLUTION:I changed the structure and sentences of the conclusion part and made it
have a clear thought to follow. I pointed out that I explained the complicated
relationship between place and immigrants again to remind audience of the argument,
and wrote the summary of all the ideas appearing in the article to make a conclusion.
l IN THE FUTURE: I will focus the summary and conclusion of my idea, and I will avoid
confusing the audience and distracting the audience at the end of the essay. I will read
TS to find out if there are some good templates for me to learn for the conclusion part.
· LOWER-ORDER PROBLEM: occasional sentence structure problems
· EX 1 ORIGINAL: ...Jhumpa Lahari, the author of “Rhode Island”, demonstrates this
general idea that experiences and emotions are influential for immigrants to evoke
their sense of place.
· EX 1 REVISION: For example, Jhumpa Lahari, the author of “Rhode Island”,
demonstrates this general idea that experiences and emotions help immigrants evoke
their sense of place
· HOW: In this example, I tried to demonstrate the idea from the previous body
paragraph.
· SOLUTION:I found out that this example could not make a connection with the
previous body paragraph and it seemed sudden when I wrote this instance. So I added
“for example” as a signal for the audience that the following part was an example to
demonstrate the previous idea. Thus, it would fix the problem of structure of transition
of the article.
· IN THE FUTURE:I will reread the entire article after I finish writing the essay, and I will
try to find out if the structure is logical and if the audience can understand it. I will also
make appointments with the tutor to obtain the idea from them. Besides, I will also
focus on some templates or words to clarify the structure of the essay such as the
transition words.
· EX 2 ORIGINAL: However, it is just difficult to replace China with the United States.
· EX 2 REVISION: However, it is simply difficult to replace China with the United States
because I have already developed a sense of place through other important elements
such as traditions, national pride or family members.
· HOW: In this example, I tried to demonstrate that I could not change the United
States as my place, and I still believed that China was my place.
· SOLUTION:I found out that the sentence was too simple to clarify the idea. I added
more explanation to this example to illustrate the reason that I could not regard the
United States as my place. Thus, it would make this example more relevant to the
overall structure.
·IN THE FUTURE: I will focus on the branched conclusion of each body graph. I will try
to avoid ignoring the important explanation of each branched conclusion. I will
summarize the previous idea and make the conclusion become the connection
between the previous body paragraph and next body paragraph.
· EX 3 ORIGINAL:Thus, place can change immigrants’ lifestyles and characters, and this
change will also produce an obstacle for immigrants to keep a balance.
· EX 3 REVISION:Thus, place can change immigrants’ lifestyles and characteristics, and
this change will also produce an obstacle for immigrants to keep a balance between
traditions and new changes.
· HOW: In this example, I tried to emphasize the branched argument that place can
also influence people.
· SOLUTION: I found out that this sentence did not explain the idea clearly. Since it
was the last sentence for the previous body paragraph, I should summarize the idea
more clearly and provide the details to clarify it. I added the details to explain what the
immigrants should keep a balance exactly.
· IN THE FUTURE: I will explain the branched conclusion clearly without missing the
details. I will illustrate the points to summarize the previous parts of the essay and
make a transition of the following part.
l LOWER-ORDER PROBLEM: occasional verb tense problems
l EX 1 ORIGINAL: Thus, from reading various articles, I have argued that immigrants can
develop their own sense of place through their personal experiences and emotions in
the local communities. However, I also claim that although experiences and emotions
towards one community are crucial elements to change space into place for immigrants
, they are not decisive factors compared to other more important aspects such as
traditions, spirits or family members. Furthermore, I also affirm that place can also
change an immigrant’s initial mind and reshape his character or lifestyle to make him
integrate into the new community.
l EX 1 REVISION:Thus, from reading various articles, I will argue that immigrants can
develop their own sense of place through their personal experiences and emotions in
their local communities. However, I will also claim that although experiences and
emotions towards one’s community are crucial elements to change space into place for
immigrants, sometimes they are not decisive factors because some people develop a
sense of place through other important elements such as traditions, national pride or
family members. Furthermore, I will also affirm that place can also change an
immigrant’s initial mindset and reshape his or her character or lifestyle to make him or
her integrate into the new community.
l HOW:I wanted to demonstrate that I would like to argue these points in the following
parts of the essay.
l SOLUTION: I changed the verb tense from present perfect tense to future tense.
l IN THE FUTURE: I will reread the essay and to find out if the verb tense is correct
depending on the context.When I will explain the views in the following parts, I should
use future tense instead of present perfect tense, since I have not explained it yet.
l EX 2 ORIGINAL:Lahari believes that among all of the spaces that she stayed or lived,
Rhode Island, where she spent her childhood, is her place.
l EX 2 REVISION:Lahari believed that among all of the spaces that she stayed or lived,
Rhode Island, where she spent her childhood, was her place.
l HOW:I wanted to use the example of Lahari to demonstrate that experiences and
emotions can make people change a space into a place.
l SOLUTION: I changed the verb tense from present tense to the past tense.
l IN THE FUTURE:I will be more careful about the verb tense, especially when I describe
the event happened in the past.
l EX 3 ORIGINAL:However, these experiences are not powerful enough to change my
mind.
l EX 3 REVISION:However, these experiences were not powerful enough to change my
mind.
l HOW: I wanted to explain that these experiences at Emory could not make me change
a space into a place.
l SOLUTION: I changed the verb form from present tense to the past tense.
l IN THE FUTURE:I will focus more the details of verb tense. If I will describe the thing
happened in the past, I should write it in the past tense.
l LOWER-ORDER PROBLEM: occasional verb form problems
l EX 1 ORIGINAL:I agree with both Patricia L. Price and Yi- fu Tuan’s perspectives
that experiences and emotions are essential to change space into place.
l EX 1 REVISION:I agree with both Patricia L. Price and Yi-fu Tuan’s perspectives
that experiences and emotions are essential in order to change space into place.
l HOW: I wanted to explain the views of Price and Tuan,and to demonstrate that both
of them believed experiences and emotions could change space into place.
l SOLUTION: I changed “to” into “in order to”
l IN THE FUTURE: I will be more careful when I use the adjective to describe an intention
or a movement.Since I will explain an intention, it is better to use “in order to” to
interpret this idea.
l EX 2 ORIGINAL:Even though she did not admit it, I believed that she did not regard
China as her home any more.
l EX 2 REVISION: Even though she did not admit it, her actions suggested that she did
not regard China as her home anymore.
l HOW: I wanted to explain that the Chinese American in the example had already
changed the United States from a space to a place.
l SOLUTION: I changed “believed” to “her actions suggested”
l IN THE FUTURE: I will be more careful about the meaning of the verb, and I will look up
into the dictionary to make sure I will use it correctly.
l EX 3 ORIGINAL:However, when immigrants stay in one space as long as they can or
they even choose to live there permanently, they will be reshaped by the local
community.
l EX 3 REVISION:However, when immigrants stay in one space as long as they can or
they even choose to live there permanently, they might be reshaped by the local
community.
l HOW: I wanted to explain that place might have influence on immigrants.
l SOLUTION: I changed “will be” into “might be”
l IN THE FUTURE: I will be more careful about the meaning of the verb, especially when I
want to explain something has a probability to happen, I should avoid writing it in a
definite way.